in the feeble mind|
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China Chewy's LiveJournal:
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|Sunday, April 27th, 2014|
|15: Have I seized opportunities?
Carpe diem. Seize the day.
We all are given opportunities: to do bad and to do good. I have taking offers that had been sinful and regretful. I have taken opportunities that changed my life for the better.
One opportunity was to go to Australia. I was debating at that time if I should leave Houston. Amy decided to take a "job of a lifetime" to go to China. I just started a relationship that I was fighting to make work. But in the end, my mom says, "What's yours is already yours. What's not yours, you can never get even if you lied, cheat and steal."
I am glad that I took that opportunity. Though job-wise it was a great disappointment, for my life it was the best thing that ever happened. The American relationship ended because of the other girl. And there, in Australia, I met Richard Lewis, the one I now can't live without. Two months of dating and I had to taken the opportunity to stay in Australia doing a job I hate but spending it with the one I love. But before you know it, I was shipped back to the states and here I am now, a bird in waiting.
I have seized every opportunity I got to meet new people, to help good causes. I already have a hard time saying no and people use that against me sometimes but I can still see the positives in it.
I guess, life is meant to be lived with a bunch of trial and error moments. Those are the ones that makes storytelling fun. Those opportunities pave for the future of korean dramas, soap operas and facebook likes.
|Thursday, June 6th, 2013|
|14: Do I Have Fun
hahaha… I think I have my own sick fun.
I go to bars but I don't drink. I make up stories about people I don't know and their lives and that they plan on accomplishing by wearing those ungodly heels or that ounce of aftershave. Those who know me know that I don't need to drink to do stupid shit, and those people call me fun.
Sleeping has been my latest fun. I have been sleeping a lot since I am in Houston.
I do random things and people say I am loads of fun. I am easily amused so "fun" is easy. From dancing under the stars or a simple game of red hands. I am not materialistic or high maintenance so "fun" comes in lots of forms. Once, we rolled around in the grass to see who could roll fastest. This was just last year. haha! Baking is fun. I bake a lot. Sometimes even arguing is fun. There was nothing to do for two Australian girls who came for a layover and I took them to a gun range at 8 a.m. They had a blast. 25 blasts to be exact. hahah…
So do I have fun? Yes, because I surround myself with good people who like to do fun/crazy/random things with me at the spur of a moment. =)
|Monday, June 3rd, 2013|
|13: What Is Next For Me?
Wellâ¦ Let's see
Short term: Sleep. I need to get the dogs groomed tomorrow. Trying out beer ice cream on Wednesday. Going back to Australia and then hopping on a plane to Bali for my birthday!!
Middle term: I signed on two more years in Perth/Onslow Australia for work. This is partially because Houston has no work and this is a good opportunity to lay low until there is work. Secondly, is because of a boy named Richard Lewis. When I decided to sign on, he kinda helped. I don't know where this will take us or what, but I am willing to stay a few more months to find out. I hope it goes well. It's now been almost 6 months and I am finding more and more irresistible every day. But during this middle term, I want to save as much money as possible. Maybe travel some.
Long term: I need to decide on if I want to stay in Houston or move somewhere else. I am looking forward to traveling with the money I have saved. I know I would love to keep working. I need it to stay alive. Hopefully, I win the lottery and never have to worry about that side of things, but that's a long shot and just a crazy dream.
|12: Do I Complain?
I do most of my complaining in my head. Rarely does it come out, but when it does, I think I just say it once and then move on (for the most part).
Just this past week someone sat next to me on a plane because they decided to switch seats because of a baby crying. It has happened before and I don't understand why they choose to sit next to me when there are plenty of spaces available. The times before, I made the complaint in my head and then let karma take over later. However, on this trip, I called the steward over and asked why she had to sit next to me. She later moved but I never confronted her about it.
I guess it's a cause and effect: Because I don't like confrontation, I don't complain. Sometimes this causes me to be a pushover or one that gets cheated or scammed easily; but I'm okay with it.
I know when I do, someone brings out their feelings and then I would have either deeply upset someone or whatever, even if I was not in the wrong. I don't like feelings or dealing with emotional people, so I just am the bigger person and lets it go.
If a kid kicks the back of my chair, I would have turned around and grabbed the kid and smacked it silly and possible pinched it's legs till there was crying… in my head… In reality, I would have either not done anything or just simply turned around and gave the kid the stare. The I'm-Going-To-Hurt-You stare.
If food is bad, I don't bother complaining. If you were being rude to my mother, I would fight you and then report you to your manager.
My friend Sally said that I am the most patient person she has ever met and she is one to be patient and not complain. She never thought that she would meet anyone who would top her with patience.
|Thursday, May 30th, 2013|
|11. Have I hurt someone?
I decided to pick this up again. There are 75 questions from http://www.lyved.com/life/75-questions-to-ask-yourself/
and I am going to attempt to answer all 75.
So the 11th question is have I hurt someone, and the simple answer is "yes".
The first one I hurt was Robert Walsh. I am sorry that I told him that I loved him and led him on in our relationship when we were in high school. I only did it to get closer to his best friend. I was an asshole for doing it and I know that hurt him and to this day, I still pray for him at church.
The second one would be much later in life, Troy Mason. I am sorry that I ended our friendship on such a sorry note. I kinda just ditched him after he told me he liked me and I told him I didn't. I started being a big time bitch to just get him off my case. I did it so he'd someone think I was a bitch and then hate me. I know that leaving him without closure is a horrible thing and maybe one day I will help close the relationship forever.
And I am sure there were many along the way and even now. However, I'm not going to lie and say I didn't mean to hurt them because I am sure I did. Whatever irrational thought I had in my mind, I decided to cause them pain and grief. I can say, I was not proud of it and I am deeply sorry but at that time, it was the easy way out and I was chicken shit.
call me crazy but that's what I do.
|Friday, March 23rd, 2012|
|10: WHAT DO I NEED TO CHANGE ABOUT MYSELF?
NOTHIN. I love who I am and what I do.
I can always wish for more money. Better health. Married life. Less stress. Better job. Swimsuit ready. But I love my life right now. I'm good and wouldn't want to trade it for anything. What's mine will be mine and what's not mine will never be mine no matter what I do or how much I change.
|9. DO I HELP OTHERS?
I help too many people. haha. The one thing my mom always feared was that I was going to lose hope in humanity because I can't save everyone. I've been in those situations before when I ask myself (kinda like when Leeloo asks Corbin) "What's the use of saving life when you see what you do with it?"
In my line of business, I help people. I am the help. I am the go to person. For that, I am glad. It makes me a leader. It makes me important. But it also makes me a pushover and people know I will do anything. I might not do it on time or right at that moment, but my guilt will eat me and I'll need to do something about it.
I volunteer a lot. I help by listening. I volunteer at Methodist Hospital and talk to patients. I get them books or help them brush their teeth. I will be volunteering tomorrow at the Bayou City Art Festival. I'll be serving beer and wine and soda and stuff. Come find me if you can.
I like to think I help my friends. I will always be there for you if you need support. I like to think I help out with my family, which reminds me, I need to get a plane ticket for my dad on father's day to NYC to visit his dad.
So do I help others? Yes. So much I can become a crutch and stop you from growing. I am poison. Don't get near me. =)
|Friday, March 2nd, 2012|
|8. DO I WORK HARD?
I would like to think that I work exceptionally hard. However, a lot of things do come easy to me and I don't have to work hard at all. Let's start with those and get harder as we go. heehee...
I never had to do a single dish or mow the grass or any chores for that matter. My mom always told me to focus on school and not on anything else. I went to a school for misfits and dropouts but it was a magnet school for engineering and art and I went there because when I was in 6th grade, I remember my mom telling me that she can no longer help me on homework and if I wanted an education, I had to work and look for one. I thought about it and decided to go to Carver. My success rate against 50 people in my class (only 29 actually graduated) is greater than if I was at my home school against 400 people. I ended up graduating #2. For college, I applied for a million scholarships and UH gave me a full tuition scholarship and St. Thomas gave me a scholarship that covered about 80% of the tuition. I landed the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo scholarship and some Texas tuition equalization grants and scholarships that covered the other 20% and paid me an extra $2400 every semester for the overflow of scholarships. That meant I didn't have to work while I was in college. In that respect, I don't have to work hard at all. That isn't to say I didn't work. I did work but I got by with the most for the least amount of effort.
I am a volunteer for SNAP at the Bayou City Art Festival. I work the beverage booths. I work very hard for them. I pull full day shifts without break while serving beverages and bartending for free. No one there has that much motivation to work. But I like being top seller. I like to win. Same as the MS150 fundraisers for jeans stickers at work. I don't like massages, so being top seller and winning the massage during the bike ride is not my motive. My motive is to prove to everyone that I can persuade people to give me money. Any volunteer work, I put my time and effort and energy into it. Just ask anyone from Foam Rangers and the Dixie Cup.
I work hard in trying to keep my family together. I work hard to be the superglue that holds the relationship together. I know that glue will one day weaken and then tear, but I only care about the now. I try hard to keep the cousins engaged. I try to make everyone feel like they have someone to go to. That is very very hard work and I do I care and do the work.
Now work... I can say I used to give 110% but its dwindled down to about 30% productivity. I can't seem to catch up and don't want to catch up. The motivation is lost. When users complain, I tell them to fuck off. I work hard but no one knows. They just expect it out of me and believe that that's just the norm. I don't ask for compensation, but I don't anticipate that I will be treated like dirt.
I work hard. I play hard. I am hardcore.
|Tuesday, February 28th, 2012|
|7. DO I LISTEN TO OTHERS?
I do listen. I listen a lot. Most of my friends say that I am one of the best listeners. The key to being a good listener is simple. Stop thinking ahead and just embrace the story of the speaker. Pretty simple. Don't plan your next statement. Don't drift off. Simple.
If it's on something I should buy or pierce or tattoo, and its a suggestion from my sister... I'd do it.
If it's advice on my life, I probably will listen but just do what I want anyway. No one said I had to listen and then obey. "i hear ya" but I still do what I feel. It's easy for me to tell someone they need to do something. I can also probably do a good job at persuading you to complete it and take the action. But if it were me, I'm stubborn. I am set in my ways and if I feel like I know better, I won't listen.
Like I say, I am my own worst enemy.
|Sunday, February 26th, 2012|
|6. AM I HONEST?
There are many types of honesty...
I am the kind of person that speaks her mind. So in that respect, I am honest to my word. I always do what I promise. I will always tell you what I feel and often won't hold back. as Mr. Darcy would say, "My good opinion once lost, is lost forever." So, I can easily be honest.
However, when it has to do with me, that's a different story. No one knows what I do. I would tell one person I am at the Rodeo, when I actually go do something else. I lie about where I am often. I am rarely honest about that. I think I do that because I don't want people to ask more questions about why I am where I am. I try to tailor my location to a place where you won't ask any questions. (usually I'll say I'm at work or hanging out with family.) I don't want to have to feel obligated in explaining everything because if asked, I would explain.
I never leave a question unanswered. If you ask me something, I'll answer as honestly as I can. Or, if I had lied, I'd keep answers short. However, when I don't want to say anything, I don't. And I end up lying by being silent. And no one can make me speak. At least, no one has the patience to wait for me to speak. Except for one time: I remember once when I was working in Mississippi, I came to work bawling. The night before, my coworker got pretty drunk and had said that she had heart problems before. In the morning, she wasn't downstairs for breakfast and the carpool was about to leave. I was worried, so I went up to her room. There was a light coming from the door but no response. I asked the driver if he would circle around the parking lot to make sure she hadn't left on her own. He said, "she's a grown woman and can take care of herself. No, get in the van." I argued with him for such a long time. It was only one circle around the parking lot and I got in the van and felt horrible about myself for not sticking up to what I believed in and went to look for her. I ended up crying non-stop. I got to work and I was crying. My co-worker showed up later and she had went to McDonald earlier and rode in herself. I still couldn't stop crying. My manager asked what went wrong and I wouldn't say anything except that I was fine and that I will be fine. So he made me go outside and I just sat there silently crying and he kept asking for me to tell him and I wouldn't. Finally, after about an hour, I broke and started telling him how upset I was about myself and how I was upset at the guy for not caring. And the dude ended up getting fired on the spot which was something that I didn't want done but he knew it had to be done.
I am not honest at work. I tell them I had been in a meeting or in the bathroom when I'm just taking a break. But I am honest on my time card. If I am late, I make up for the time. I don't charge OT when I am not really working.
I am not always honest about how I end up getting stuff. Like tickets for a show. How I mysteriously ended up with a laptop that you might need. But none of it is illegal. I don't go stealing these things. I sometimes end up buying it and saying it's free or someone owed me something and it was payback or the triad paid for it. The big thing about that is that I don't want you to feel as if you owe me anything. I don't want you to feel that I am spending too much on something. Realize that I want to spend that money and that I lie to you about how I got the items for your own good.
This makes me seem really oxymoronic and also, I am beginning to wonder how I can distinguish what I lie about and when I tell the truth. Maybe it can be summed up as this: I don't like people knowing me or figuring me out, so as a defense mechanism, I end up lying. I keep you on your toes. Otherwise, I am pretty honest.
|5. WHAT'S MISSING IN YOUR LIFE?
That's kind of a trick question. If you don't know what it could have been, you can't know what your are missing. Think about it.
But to answer the question. I have lots missing in my life. My original passport where I was this cute Asian kid. Now, it looks like I'm a Mexican fugitive. I missing a lot of sleep. At least people tell me I'm missing it. I tell them, they are missing out on the night life. The air at night smells different. I took a good whiff of it this evening as I came home at 3 a.m. It reminded me of a few happy times in my life, when that same wind and smell of trees, exhaust and concrete was sucked up my me.
I am missing opportunities. Opportunities to work on my passion. The drive to be an editor. But who can really ever make their hobby their job? I'm not that good. The opportunity to go to Maryland and work with the corporate Gods of BPS. The opportunity to tell my first love how much I do love him. The opportunity to really be a "girlfriend". The opportunity to show everyone I am not wasting my time with my life and that I will be something.
I am missing my reputation. That has been tarnished and swayed by my actions that I hold myself accountable for. I am missing the happiness that I had last year around this time.
I am missing my Chicken Club t-shirt.... but all of that is insignificant. I love my life, the good with the bad. I wouldn't trade a single day for 400 years the other way.
|Friday, February 24th, 2012|
|4. WHAT AM I GRATEFUL FOR?
I am grateful that I am healthy and most of the people around me are too. And when they aren't, I am grateful that they allow me in their lives to help in any way. Whether it's to pick up a pen or give them bone marrow. I am grateful that the worse that has ever happened to me was that I busted open my eyebrow and fractured an ankle. I am grateful that I don't need much sleep but when I do, I can get it. I am grateful that I have great doctors, and people that help me out when I am stuck.
I am grateful for my family. And that includes my friends and coworkers. I mean, I see them more than I sometimes see my real family. I am grateful that they watch over me so I never really have to worry about myself. They usually do enough worrying for the both of us, and then some. I am grateful that I can be honest with them in every topic and that they won't judge me in any way. I am grateful for those in my family that chose to realize their net worth and live their dream. I am grateful that I have the influence to change my troubled cousins and that they allow me to listen to their problems.
And most importantly, I am grateful for my freedom. Not every country has the freedoms that we have here in America. Not everyone can have the freedom like I do to pick up my bags and leave town whenever I feel like it. Not everyone has the freedom to do and say as they please and get away with it. I am VERY grateful I have that. It is something that makes me into who I am, and hopefully into a better person. I strive to be a better person, though I hear it from many that I am already great. One person does not know another man's story. And even though the limited time you see me and hear me, you may think so. I am the one who lives this life and sees it first hand. Maybe it's the meticulous analyzing that I do that makes me my worse enemy when it comes to being judged. I am grateful that I can be that kind of crazy and know that I can do better and that I am better.
But, I am lazy. And that, I'm not so grateful for.
|Thursday, February 23rd, 2012|
|3. AM I DOING WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO?
I think we all know I do what I want, good and bad. If I want to go to NYC, I book the next flight. If I want to see a concert, I'll pay double for 4 tickets and give them to 3 others just so I'd have someone to go with. If I want to believe I am in a relationship though I am not, I will. If I want to take the verbal abuse and make excuses for them, I will. But at the same time, I can stop if I really wanted.
Work wise, I think we all know the answer is "no". But why do I stay and take it?
I remember when I was working at KHOU. I loved the job. I hated the manager. And I knew that I didn't want to stay there and take that abuse and it took a lot for me to throw in the towel. It is my dream to be an editor and to play with media. But I quit when she treated me like a third world orphan, or maybe even the boy called "It". If you haven't read the book, I suggest it. It's an easy read.
So here I am working at Bechtel. Never thought I'd make it past a year, but am now on my 6th. I get an offer to move to LA to work for NBC/Universal for a friend. I decline it. I'm now at that point where I am struggling between doing what I know or taking the risk at possibly failing at what I don't.
I have always been the careful one. According to my mom, when I was learning how to walk, I made sure I had my balance before I even got up. I hardly fell because of that. In life, I do that as well. I calculate risks to the most improbable and then make my decisions based on that. So, even though I know I can leave my job. I can quit at any moment and have my sister or my family take care of me. I know I can go back to working for minimum wage and work my way up. I'd be a lot happier and a lot less stressed. But why don't I just trust in life for once and make the jump? Why am I hating to wake up every morning? Why would I rather be at the hospital than at work? That, my friends, is sick.
Aside from work, am I living my life the way I want? You decide. For the last few years I have been in limbo. I don't really care what happens to my life. That's kind of depressing but it's just a feeling. I'm not going to off myself or do anything bad to myself. But I do ask: why aren't you going to church on Sunday? Why do you let people walk all over you? Why do you help people without asking why or think about how it might affect you? and I don't know. I haven't lost faith. I love God. I feel better every time I'm there. I know I can always call that home. I think I have so much faith that somehow I believe that humanity is as great as it once was. Then my car gets broken into, my friends car gets stripped, my mom's mail gets stolen, my friend's identity get's stolen, my friend's sister's home gets broken into with her and the baby in it, my co-worker gets put in a hospital just because three guys only wanted to beat the shit out of him. How do I trust that the next person I help isn't going to harm me? And why do I continue to help regardless. It seems like I didn't do risk management properly.
All my life, my sister and my mom has called me retarded for helping people to the extent that I do. And I brush them off and say that it's an investment and I have faith that I am investing in something worthwhile. In that regard, I am doing what I want to do.
I have a theory about life. We make decisions and we do what we feel is right at that moment. But in the end, we are all destined to do something, to die of something. It doesn't matter what you choose, it'll still happen the way it ought to. But we choose to live a good life because we know it's the right thing. However, on those weak moments, we choose the easy way out cause we don't want to deal with struggle. No one wants to be in pain and agony, though it does happen to a lot of people. But we don't live life planning for the worst. Or do we?
So, am I doing what I really want to? When it's in my hands, yes. When I have to rely on others or other means, no. I wish I retire by the time I turn 30 and spend my life devoted to helping others and chasing my dream. But now, I have habits I need to support. And depending on the person I am helping that day, it could mean $2000 for a new set of turntables or $200 for a trip or $20 for dinner.
If I could take it all back and do what I want and stop thinking rationally and be more spontaneous and have more faith in myself, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't be who I am today. Do I want that? Some days, I wish I did take my cousins offer to work with her at CNN. Some days, I wish I could have the discipline to work bare minimum and sustain life and have money for an apartment and still save a little money for rare pleasures. But I am not that person. I spend all the money I have now because I don't know how long I'll stay alive. I don't know how I would handle humility. I don't know if I can hold myself back from just buying what I want for who I want. But then again, should I find out? Should I venture out of my comfort zone and take a chance? Should I break a leg and eat shit? Seems very appealing right now. We shall see after this crazy girl goes to Aussie for 11 months.
|Wednesday, February 22nd, 2012|
|DAY 2: AM I NICE?
Santa would probably not think so, but I would like to think I am nice. As my Facebook says, I am the the nicest bitch you'll ever meet. Some like me, some hate me. I don't really know. I would like to say that my heart is too big, but today, the cardiologist said my heart is perfectly normal and beating like a champ. I do care a lot and with that comes judgement. I do care a lot about how people view me. But not in the sense that a passerby thinks I look trashy. Those I don't care for. I care deeply about what my friends think and how I come off.
Recently, I've been more fake and less caring. I know it and feel it too. I am trying to find the true Cindy, that cared for everyone for the sake of caring. To be nice because mean was not in her body. I am being nice just so I don't have to deal with the drama of being mean. But is that hurting me mentally and spiritually?
Sometimes I feel as though I am so nice, people are sickened by it. So I try to offset that with a bit of tough love but I feel very uncomfortable doing it. I don't want to be used and abused because I am "nice" but at the same time, I don't want to be mean either. Where is the balance?
There lies the question. Where is the middle ground? For close friends who know me, they know there is no middle ground with me. I am of two extremes. In trying to find this middle ground I feel like I am losing myself. Should I stop? Should I embrace the person I am inside and let people walk over me and be okay with it? Should I stop caring about what people think of me and my actions, for they do not know the reasons? It is a lot easier said than done but I have to believe that I can find it amidst this crazy thing we call "life".
|DAY 1: WHY NOT ME?
I've spent countless hours thinking this same question. I mean, I'm funny. I can cook. I do laundry. I think I am pretty easy to get along with.I love pets. I love life. I love adventure. I love to snuggle. I love random things.
But the old people always ask the same question, why are you single?
So, here I pose a question back to the general public? Why not me? Why can't I be the Facebook-ed status of In a Relationship With... ?? Am I embarrassing? Can I not be seen out in public? I think it's cause I settle for being unlisted. I don't want to fight it so much that I might even lose you as a friend. Some friendships are not worth the loss. I rather stay ignorant and in oblivion than to accept the fact that you don't like me.
Some friends say it's because guys are afraid they can't keep up with me. I'm not a Kardashian. It's not that hard. Some say it's cause I'm too independent. If only that were true, then I wouldn't be searching for my better half. Some say it's because I am too difficult. Now, that's something I believe. I make life difficult for myself. When there is a simple answer, I complicate things. Maybe it offers me a reason for existence. Maybe it's because I am troubled. Maybe it's cause I like those hard to get guys, that live on the dark side and is secretive and annoys me. Maybe I am one of those that likes abuse.
I just figured, I am destined to be single. My Facebook status will remain single. I will grow old with cats. I will wander aimlessly trying to friend people who think I'm still young. Why do I seek that attention? The unwanted attention.
Maybe I am crazy...
|Wednesday, June 22nd, 2011|
|In Action (on a workout shirt)
And he pours one more drink,
Telling me the things I want to hear:
Love, kids, ambition.
Then morning comes and reality sinks in.
The cold room awakes the skin in a slow shiver
From the wrists to the elbow,
and i stare into the empty promises
and begin to ache inside and out.
but another drink will solve it.
another beer, another whisky.
once a week we come close
but further and further we go.
how long before you forget me?
how long before i fade?
do I have until last call?
|Thursday, March 24th, 2011|
|15: How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
I have a sick sense of humor? hahahah....
At the end of the day, we can't please everyone but I do try. I am usually good at planning things out so that everyone can come to an agreement and all be satisfied but not quite giddy happy.
Also little things make me happy that most people are like, holy hell, are you crazy? Like the following:
Leroy's Whisky barrel mead
Girl Scout Thin Mints
Really good hot sauce
hmmm.... i am beginning to see a pattern with food
A random text of something funny
Making fun of people
|Wednesday, March 23rd, 2011|
|14. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
I put on my right sock, right shoe before I put on the left sock, left shoe.
I secretly fix things for people without letting them know, ever.
I can plan the best for other people, but can't make a single one for myself.
I eat a hot dog from opposite ends and if I forget which one comes next, I put my fingers on both ends to see which one is colder and eat from that end.
If no one looks, I put water in my beer to take away some of the carbonation.
I always share the best part of my meal with whomever I am eating with.
I like to volunteer for events more than doing the event (ie. marathons, bike races, dixie cup, cook offs, art festival)
I wash my hair last.
|Tuesday, March 22nd, 2011|
|13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
No, I will not. I believe that if you did the crime, do the time. Also, if you want me to break the law, then you really don't love me, thus undeserving of my love. I would help you find a way out. I will suggest and refer you to a lawyer I know, but other than that, I can't help.
It sucks to say that because I have had cousins and friends do that to me before and at the end of the day, I just don't think it's fair to put me in that situation.
As for putting myself into that situation where I had to think about breaking the law to saved a loved one, I have not. I can usually scheme up something that would temporarily fix the issue.
|Sunday, March 20th, 2011|