Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in China Chewy's LiveJournal:

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Friday, March 23rd, 2012
9:10 pm	10: WHAT DO I NEED TO CHANGE ABOUT MYSELF? NOTHIN. I love who I am and what I do. I can always wish for more money. Better health. Married life. Less stress. Better job. Swimsuit ready. But I love my life right now. I'm good and wouldn't want to trade it for anything. What's mine will be mine and what's not mine will never be mine no matter what I do or how much I change. (Comment on this)
8:58 pm	9. DO I HELP OTHERS? I help too many people. haha. The one thing my mom always feared was that I was going to lose hope in humanity because I can't save everyone. I've been in those situations before when I ask myself (kinda like when Leeloo asks Corbin) "What's the use of saving life when you see what you do with it?" In my line of business, I help people. I am the help. I am the go to person. For that, I am glad. It makes me a leader. It makes me important. But it also makes me a pushover and people know I will do anything. I might not do it on time or right at that moment, but my guilt will eat me and I'll need to do something about it. I volunteer a lot. I help by listening. I volunteer at Methodist Hospital and talk to patients. I get them books or help them brush their teeth. I will be volunteering tomorrow at the Bayou City Art Festival. I'll be serving beer and wine and soda and stuff. Come find me if you can. I like to think I help my friends. I will always be there for you if you need support. I like to think I help out with my family, which reminds me, I need to get a plane ticket for my dad on father's day to NYC to visit his dad. So do I help others? Yes. So much I can become a crutch and stop you from growing. I am poison. Don't get near me. =) (Comment on this)
Friday, March 2nd, 2012
2:04 am	8. DO I WORK HARD? I would like to think that I work exceptionally hard. However, a lot of things do come easy to me and I don't have to work hard at all. Let's start with those and get harder as we go. heehee... I never had to do a single dish or mow the grass or any chores for that matter. My mom always told me to focus on school and not on anything else. I went to a school for misfits and dropouts but it was a magnet school for engineering and art and I went there because when I was in 6th grade, I remember my mom telling me that she can no longer help me on homework and if I wanted an education, I had to work and look for one. I thought about it and decided to go to Carver. My success rate against 50 people in my class (only 29 actually graduated) is greater than if I was at my home school against 400 people. I ended up graduating #2. For college, I applied for a million scholarships and UH gave me a full tuition scholarship and St. Thomas gave me a scholarship that covered about 80% of the tuition. I landed the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo scholarship and some Texas tuition equalization grants and scholarships that covered the other 20% and paid me an extra $2400 every semester for the overflow of scholarships. That meant I didn't have to work while I was in college. In that respect, I don't have to work hard at all. That isn't to say I didn't work. I did work but I got by with the most for the least amount of effort. I am a volunteer for SNAP at the Bayou City Art Festival. I work the beverage booths. I work very hard for them. I pull full day shifts without break while serving beverages and bartending for free. No one there has that much motivation to work. But I like being top seller. I like to win. Same as the MS150 fundraisers for jeans stickers at work. I don't like massages, so being top seller and winning the massage during the bike ride is not my motive. My motive is to prove to everyone that I can persuade people to give me money. Any volunteer work, I put my time and effort and energy into it. Just ask anyone from Foam Rangers and the Dixie Cup. I work hard in trying to keep my family together. I work hard to be the superglue that holds the relationship together. I know that glue will one day weaken and then tear, but I only care about the now. I try hard to keep the cousins engaged. I try to make everyone feel like they have someone to go to. That is very very hard work and I do I care and do the work. Now work... I can say I used to give 110% but its dwindled down to about 30% productivity. I can't seem to catch up and don't want to catch up. The motivation is lost. When users complain, I tell them to fuck off. I work hard but no one knows. They just expect it out of me and believe that that's just the norm. I don't ask for compensation, but I don't anticipate that I will be treated like dirt. I work hard. I play hard. I am hardcore. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 28th, 2012
10:03 pm	7. DO I LISTEN TO OTHERS? I do listen. I listen a lot. Most of my friends say that I am one of the best listeners. The key to being a good listener is simple. Stop thinking ahead and just embrace the story of the speaker. Pretty simple. Don't plan your next statement. Don't drift off. Simple. If it's on something I should buy or pierce or tattoo, and its a suggestion from my sister... I'd do it. If it's advice on my life, I probably will listen but just do what I want anyway. No one said I had to listen and then obey. "i hear ya" but I still do what I feel. It's easy for me to tell someone they need to do something. I can also probably do a good job at persuading you to complete it and take the action. But if it were me, I'm stubborn. I am set in my ways and if I feel like I know better, I won't listen. Like I say, I am my own worst enemy. (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 26th, 2012
9:35 pm	6. AM I HONEST? There are many types of honesty... I am the kind of person that speaks her mind. So in that respect, I am honest to my word. I always do what I promise. I will always tell you what I feel and often won't hold back. as Mr. Darcy would say, "My good opinion once lost, is lost forever." So, I can easily be honest. However, when it has to do with me, that's a different story. No one knows what I do. I would tell one person I am at the Rodeo, when I actually go do something else. I lie about where I am often. I am rarely honest about that. I think I do that because I don't want people to ask more questions about why I am where I am. I try to tailor my location to a place where you won't ask any questions. (usually I'll say I'm at work or hanging out with family.) I don't want to have to feel obligated in explaining everything because if asked, I would explain. I never leave a question unanswered. If you ask me something, I'll answer as honestly as I can. Or, if I had lied, I'd keep answers short. However, when I don't want to say anything, I don't. And I end up lying by being silent. And no one can make me speak. At least, no one has the patience to wait for me to speak. Except for one time: I remember once when I was working in Mississippi, I came to work bawling. The night before, my coworker got pretty drunk and had said that she had heart problems before. In the morning, she wasn't downstairs for breakfast and the carpool was about to leave. I was worried, so I went up to her room. There was a light coming from the door but no response. I asked the driver if he would circle around the parking lot to make sure she hadn't left on her own. He said, "she's a grown woman and can take care of herself. No, get in the van." I argued with him for such a long time. It was only one circle around the parking lot and I got in the van and felt horrible about myself for not sticking up to what I believed in and went to look for her. I ended up crying non-stop. I got to work and I was crying. My co-worker showed up later and she had went to McDonald earlier and rode in herself. I still couldn't stop crying. My manager asked what went wrong and I wouldn't say anything except that I was fine and that I will be fine. So he made me go outside and I just sat there silently crying and he kept asking for me to tell him and I wouldn't. Finally, after about an hour, I broke and started telling him how upset I was about myself and how I was upset at the guy for not caring. And the dude ended up getting fired on the spot which was something that I didn't want done but he knew it had to be done. I am not honest at work. I tell them I had been in a meeting or in the bathroom when I'm just taking a break. But I am honest on my time card. If I am late, I make up for the time. I don't charge OT when I am not really working. I am not always honest about how I end up getting stuff. Like tickets for a show. How I mysteriously ended up with a laptop that you might need. But none of it is illegal. I don't go stealing these things. I sometimes end up buying it and saying it's free or someone owed me something and it was payback or the triad paid for it. The big thing about that is that I don't want you to feel as if you owe me anything. I don't want you to feel that I am spending too much on something. Realize that I want to spend that money and that I lie to you about how I got the items for your own good. This makes me seem really oxymoronic and also, I am beginning to wonder how I can distinguish what I lie about and when I tell the truth. Maybe it can be summed up as this: I don't like people knowing me or figuring me out, so as a defense mechanism, I end up lying. I keep you on your toes. Otherwise, I am pretty honest. (Comment on this)
4:02 am	5. WHAT'S MISSING IN YOUR LIFE? That's kind of a trick question. If you don't know what it could have been, you can't know what your are missing. Think about it. But to answer the question. I have lots missing in my life. My original passport where I was this cute Asian kid. Now, it looks like I'm a Mexican fugitive. I missing a lot of sleep. At least people tell me I'm missing it. I tell them, they are missing out on the night life. The air at night smells different. I took a good whiff of it this evening as I came home at 3 a.m. It reminded me of a few happy times in my life, when that same wind and smell of trees, exhaust and concrete was sucked up my me. I am missing opportunities. Opportunities to work on my passion. The drive to be an editor. But who can really ever make their hobby their job? I'm not that good. The opportunity to go to Maryland and work with the corporate Gods of BPS. The opportunity to tell my first love how much I do love him. The opportunity to really be a "girlfriend". The opportunity to show everyone I am not wasting my time with my life and that I will be something. I am missing my reputation. That has been tarnished and swayed by my actions that I hold myself accountable for. I am missing the happiness that I had last year around this time. I am missing my Chicken Club t-shirt.... but all of that is insignificant. I love my life, the good with the bad. I wouldn't trade a single day for 400 years the other way. (Comment on this)
Friday, February 24th, 2012
9:14 pm	4. WHAT AM I GRATEFUL FOR? 1. Health 2. Family 3. Freedom I am grateful that I am healthy and most of the people around me are too. And when they aren't, I am grateful that they allow me in their lives to help in any way. Whether it's to pick up a pen or give them bone marrow. I am grateful that the worse that has ever happened to me was that I busted open my eyebrow and fractured an ankle. I am grateful that I don't need much sleep but when I do, I can get it. I am grateful that I have great doctors, and people that help me out when I am stuck. I am grateful for my family. And that includes my friends and coworkers. I mean, I see them more than I sometimes see my real family. I am grateful that they watch over me so I never really have to worry about myself. They usually do enough worrying for the both of us, and then some. I am grateful that I can be honest with them in every topic and that they won't judge me in any way. I am grateful for those in my family that chose to realize their net worth and live their dream. I am grateful that I have the influence to change my troubled cousins and that they allow me to listen to their problems. And most importantly, I am grateful for my freedom. Not every country has the freedoms that we have here in America. Not everyone can have the freedom like I do to pick up my bags and leave town whenever I feel like it. Not everyone has the freedom to do and say as they please and get away with it. I am VERY grateful I have that. It is something that makes me into who I am, and hopefully into a better person. I strive to be a better person, though I hear it from many that I am already great. One person does not know another man's story. And even though the limited time you see me and hear me, you may think so. I am the one who lives this life and sees it first hand. Maybe it's the meticulous analyzing that I do that makes me my worse enemy when it comes to being judged. I am grateful that I can be that kind of crazy and know that I can do better and that I am better. But, I am lazy. And that, I'm not so grateful for. (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 23rd, 2012
8:12 pm	3. AM I DOING WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO? I think we all know I do what I want, good and bad. If I want to go to NYC, I book the next flight. If I want to see a concert, I'll pay double for 4 tickets and give them to 3 others just so I'd have someone to go with. If I want to believe I am in a relationship though I am not, I will. If I want to take the verbal abuse and make excuses for them, I will. But at the same time, I can stop if I really wanted. Work wise, I think we all know the answer is "no". But why do I stay and take it? I remember when I was working at KHOU. I loved the job. I hated the manager. And I knew that I didn't want to stay there and take that abuse and it took a lot for me to throw in the towel. It is my dream to be an editor and to play with media. But I quit when she treated me like a third world orphan, or maybe even the boy called "It". If you haven't read the book, I suggest it. It's an easy read. So here I am working at Bechtel. Never thought I'd make it past a year, but am now on my 6th. I get an offer to move to LA to work for NBC/Universal for a friend. I decline it. I'm now at that point where I am struggling between doing what I know or taking the risk at possibly failing at what I don't. I have always been the careful one. According to my mom, when I was learning how to walk, I made sure I had my balance before I even got up. I hardly fell because of that. In life, I do that as well. I calculate risks to the most improbable and then make my decisions based on that. So, even though I know I can leave my job. I can quit at any moment and have my sister or my family take care of me. I know I can go back to working for minimum wage and work my way up. I'd be a lot happier and a lot less stressed. But why don't I just trust in life for once and make the jump? Why am I hating to wake up every morning? Why would I rather be at the hospital than at work? That, my friends, is sick. Aside from work, am I living my life the way I want? You decide. For the last few years I have been in limbo. I don't really care what happens to my life. That's kind of depressing but it's just a feeling. I'm not going to off myself or do anything bad to myself. But I do ask: why aren't you going to church on Sunday? Why do you let people walk all over you? Why do you help people without asking why or think about how it might affect you? and I don't know. I haven't lost faith. I love God. I feel better every time I'm there. I know I can always call that home. I think I have so much faith that somehow I believe that humanity is as great as it once was. Then my car gets broken into, my friends car gets stripped, my mom's mail gets stolen, my friend's identity get's stolen, my friend's sister's home gets broken into with her and the baby in it, my co-worker gets put in a hospital just because three guys only wanted to beat the shit out of him. How do I trust that the next person I help isn't going to harm me? And why do I continue to help regardless. It seems like I didn't do risk management properly. All my life, my sister and my mom has called me retarded for helping people to the extent that I do. And I brush them off and say that it's an investment and I have faith that I am investing in something worthwhile. In that regard, I am doing what I want to do. I have a theory about life. We make decisions and we do what we feel is right at that moment. But in the end, we are all destined to do something, to die of something. It doesn't matter what you choose, it'll still happen the way it ought to. But we choose to live a good life because we know it's the right thing. However, on those weak moments, we choose the easy way out cause we don't want to deal with struggle. No one wants to be in pain and agony, though it does happen to a lot of people. But we don't live life planning for the worst. Or do we? So, am I doing what I really want to? When it's in my hands, yes. When I have to rely on others or other means, no. I wish I retire by the time I turn 30 and spend my life devoted to helping others and chasing my dream. But now, I have habits I need to support. And depending on the person I am helping that day, it could mean $2000 for a new set of turntables or $200 for a trip or $20 for dinner. If I could take it all back and do what I want and stop thinking rationally and be more spontaneous and have more faith in myself, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't be who I am today. Do I want that? Some days, I wish I did take my cousins offer to work with her at CNN. Some days, I wish I could have the discipline to work bare minimum and sustain life and have money for an apartment and still save a little money for rare pleasures. But I am not that person. I spend all the money I have now because I don't know how long I'll stay alive. I don't know how I would handle humility. I don't know if I can hold myself back from just buying what I want for who I want. But then again, should I find out? Should I venture out of my comfort zone and take a chance? Should I break a leg and eat shit? Seems very appealing right now. We shall see after this crazy girl goes to Aussie for 11 months. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 22nd, 2012
8:03 pm	DAY 2: AM I NICE? Santa would probably not think so, but I would like to think I am nice. As my Facebook says, I am the the nicest bitch you'll ever meet. Some like me, some hate me. I don't really know. I would like to say that my heart is too big, but today, the cardiologist said my heart is perfectly normal and beating like a champ. I do care a lot and with that comes judgement. I do care a lot about how people view me. But not in the sense that a passerby thinks I look trashy. Those I don't care for. I care deeply about what my friends think and how I come off. Recently, I've been more fake and less caring. I know it and feel it too. I am trying to find the true Cindy, that cared for everyone for the sake of caring. To be nice because mean was not in her body. I am being nice just so I don't have to deal with the drama of being mean. But is that hurting me mentally and spiritually? Sometimes I feel as though I am so nice, people are sickened by it. So I try to offset that with a bit of tough love but I feel very uncomfortable doing it. I don't want to be used and abused because I am "nice" but at the same time, I don't want to be mean either. Where is the balance? There lies the question. Where is the middle ground? For close friends who know me, they know there is no middle ground with me. I am of two extremes. In trying to find this middle ground I feel like I am losing myself. Should I stop? Should I embrace the person I am inside and let people walk over me and be okay with it? Should I stop caring about what people think of me and my actions, for they do not know the reasons? It is a lot easier said than done but I have to believe that I can find it amidst this crazy thing we call "life". (Comment on this)
12:36 am	DAY 1: WHY NOT ME? I've spent countless hours thinking this same question. I mean, I'm funny. I can cook. I do laundry. I think I am pretty easy to get along with.I love pets. I love life. I love adventure. I love to snuggle. I love random things. But the old people always ask the same question, why are you single? So, here I pose a question back to the general public? Why not me? Why can't I be the Facebook-ed status of In a Relationship With... ?? Am I embarrassing? Can I not be seen out in public? I think it's cause I settle for being unlisted. I don't want to fight it so much that I might even lose you as a friend. Some friendships are not worth the loss. I rather stay ignorant and in oblivion than to accept the fact that you don't like me. Some friends say it's because guys are afraid they can't keep up with me. I'm not a Kardashian. It's not that hard. Some say it's cause I'm too independent. If only that were true, then I wouldn't be searching for my better half. Some say it's because I am too difficult. Now, that's something I believe. I make life difficult for myself. When there is a simple answer, I complicate things. Maybe it offers me a reason for existence. Maybe it's because I am troubled. Maybe it's cause I like those hard to get guys, that live on the dark side and is secretive and annoys me. Maybe I am one of those that likes abuse. I just figured, I am destined to be single. My Facebook status will remain single. I will grow old with cats. I will wander aimlessly trying to friend people who think I'm still young. Why do I seek that attention? The unwanted attention. Maybe I am crazy... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 22nd, 2011
9:00 pm	In Action (on a workout shirt) And he pours one more drink, Telling me the things I want to hear: Love, kids, ambition. Then morning comes and reality sinks in. Dreams fade. The cold room awakes the skin in a slow shiver From the wrists to the elbow, and i stare into the empty promises and begin to ache inside and out. Stop. but another drink will solve it. another beer, another whisky. once a week we come close but further and further we go. how long before you forget me? how long before i fade? do I have until last call? (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 24th, 2011
4:30 pm	15: How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? I have a sick sense of humor? hahahah.... At the end of the day, we can't please everyone but I do try. I am usually good at planning things out so that everyone can come to an agreement and all be satisfied but not quite giddy happy. Also little things make me happy that most people are like, holy hell, are you crazy? Like the following: Leroy's Mead Leroy's Whisky Leroy's Whisky barrel mead Girl Scout Thin Mints Hot Chai Warm bread Really good hot sauce hmmm.... i am beginning to see a pattern with food Brad Paisley Babies A random text of something funny Making fun of people Cooking Volunteering (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 23rd, 2011
5:44 pm	14. What’s something you know you do differently than most people? I put on my right sock, right shoe before I put on the left sock, left shoe. I secretly fix things for people without letting them know, ever. I can plan the best for other people, but can't make a single one for myself. I eat a hot dog from opposite ends and if I forget which one comes next, I put my fingers on both ends to see which one is colder and eat from that end. If no one looks, I put water in my beer to take away some of the carbonation. I always share the best part of my meal with whomever I am eating with. I like to volunteer for events more than doing the event (ie. marathons, bike races, dixie cup, cook offs, art festival) I wash my hair last. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 22nd, 2011
9:47 am	13. Would you break the law to save a loved one? No, I will not. I believe that if you did the crime, do the time. Also, if you want me to break the law, then you really don't love me, thus undeserving of my love. I would help you find a way out. I will suggest and refer you to a lawyer I know, but other than that, I can't help. It sucks to say that because I have had cousins and friends do that to me before and at the end of the day, I just don't think it's fair to put me in that situation. As for putting myself into that situation where I had to think about breaking the law to saved a loved one, I have not. I can usually scheme up something that would temporarily fix the issue. (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 20th, 2011
11:38 am	12: If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? Your duty is to your heart. (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 19th, 2011
8:36 am	10: Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? I am both, but at the end of the day doing the right thing is doing things right. I know the rules. I follow the rules. I have enough willpower to do so. If you want to break the rules, and I am out to have fun, then I will allow it. If I am serious that day, don't tempt the gray area cause it ain't gunna break. When I was younger, I made plenty of mistakes and to this day I am paying for some of them, but the good news is everyone deserves a second chance. However, no one deserves a third, so tread carefully. I once dated a married man. He said it was okay and I was just having fun. However, one day, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror anymore at the person I have become. I knew then that I needed to change and I immediately made that thought into reality. At work, I try not make the same mistake twice. I took a vendor to our project floor. I was then told that it was illegal in the rules to do so and I will never do it again. I created a job sub for a project and was told that it was illegal by a different department and I will never do it again without seeking permissions. I posted something on Facebook which led my manager to yell at me and hang up on me. Never again have I done that or anything that would upset him. I logged of a manager's machine without him knowing and he ended up losing his data (that thank GOD we found!!) NEVER NEVER NEVER would I ever do that shit again. But then I have the stuff that constantly repeats. I should let go of some people, but I can't. The right thing would be for me to let go, but the rebellious Cindy is saying, "no. keep fighting. it'll be worth it." For me, I weigh everything. I weigh costs of time, money, emotions, etc. No amount of money is going to make me do the wrong thing. I will invest my money on people and ideas that I think are right, even though many times, it's a failed investment. However, I don't know why I waste my time and emotions on people and things that are unjust, unfair, and sometimes plain wrong. Maybe I need a little more soul searching or maybe I just need to find that one thing that'll make me quit the wrong stuff, so I can allocate my time and emotions on something that matters. I have done that. I joined the Methodist volunteer group so that I don't waste my Friday drinking. I joined Foam Rangers and Warhammer 40K so that I can spend my time with people who care about something passionately, in hopes that I could find the same feeling in something that they do in Beer or Ultramarines, respectively. Maybe one day, but for now. I try to be holy. I try to be good. But that's not to say I will tease and tempt you to be bad. =) (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 17th, 2011
9:12 pm	9: To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? Free will or destiny? It's a question and debate many people tackle. I have a belief that not a lot of people agree with. I think our path is chosen, meaning the end is chosen. However, we are given, by the grace of God, free will to choose what we want to do. Let's say for example, I was to get lung cancer. I could choose to smoke or choose not to but the end result is still lung cancer. The theory behind my madness: why not choose the good path? And I have, for the most part. When I was little, my mom made all the decisions: what I ate, what I wore, where I went. As I grew up, my sister made all the decisions: what we did, where we ate, what I should do. However, throughout my entire life, I allowed them to make my decisions. Well, most of them anyway. In the end, it was my choice to let them choose for me. I run to the beat of my own drum. If I set my mind on something, there is nothing stopping it. If I say I am going to Denver for snowboarding, it will be done. I think like a chess player, weighing out every step of every move and thinking about the options that my opponent can have and it's affect on me. I put myself in ever situation I get into. I control it. I rarely ever lose control and when I do, I am lucky I don't die or injure anyone. Right now, I am single, 26.8, living with my sister in Houston, working for an oil and gas company, have no real girl friends except for a select few, have too many guy friends according to most, drive a Civic, and can't trust anyone. I have to say that most of this I did it myself. I am single because I haven't found anyone I want to commit to. Will I ever? My mom gave up. My dad is worried. I don't know. I am 26 about to be 27 because luckily I didn't kill myself in Miami when I turned 25. I live in Houston because I want to be close to my mom and dad and grandma. I have opportunities to live and work in LA, Chicago, NYC, Mississippi, Indiana but at the end of the day, I wanna be here. I work for an OG&C company not because I like it but because it is good for now. I meet lots of people and am learning more about my self-worth and the path I need to take to succeed in life. I have no real girl friends because I find people annoying in general, and girls are worse because they have silly self-centered problems that I don't want to hear about. =) hahah... the select few are like me: hate people, few close friends. I have waaaaaaayyyyy too many guy friends because I don't like to be bothered and most times, when I am with a guy, no one comes to bother me in the middle of brunch or a movie or while I walk around Chinatown unless the guy is white and then all the Asian ladies come asking about purses.... I drive a Civic because my sister suggested that I ought to change out my car but I am a practical person, though I wish I got an Audi or an Acura or RX-8 or something sporty and fast. While at the dealership, I told our usual sales guy, "look, I don't wanna be here, you need to go home. Let's make this fast. I need a 4-door Civic, cloth interior, don't care color. Throw in my tint. Pick up in 3 days. Let's sign." Easy. I can't trust anyone. I think this is because as soon as you trust someone else, you lose control. Before, you relied 100% on yourself. If you trust in a person, you share some of that. Then you are risking that. There are a few I trust with certain things. I trust my sister with money and making my plans. I trust Kim with my diet. I trust Jerry with my secrets. I trust Burt when it comes to driving. But emotionally speaking, I trust no one. I don't trust Amy will listen to me vent. I don't trust Kim would understand what I am wasting my time with. I don't trust Jerry would be there for me when i need him. I don't trust Burt with my opinion on even the smallest things like if I like the green flight more or the red flight more (in terms of darts). How do I let go and lose a bit of control instead of holding on to everything with dear life and end up strangling the poor thing? I don't know... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 16th, 2011
10:47 pm	8: If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? If I only got to live to see 40, I would be enjoying life a lot more right now. I would have saved a lot more money. I would have married my high school sweetheart and would probably on my 2nd or 3rd kid. My parents, aunts, and uncles and one cousin would be dead and I would be close to death myself. I have to say that rarely do I go and seize the day. Carpe diem. I wait too long. I waste a lot of time. I always chase dreams that have slim chances of success. I would change all of that, but if I know that I would change my ways, Why am I not doing these things now? My answer us that I can't afford to risk my education and job and family. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 15th, 2011
11:03 pm	7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? When is enough, enough? I always follow my heart, though there are a few times I didn't and those were my worst moments. I'll share one with you guys. I was in Pascagoula, Mississippi on an assignment with Chevron. I lived in Moss Point at a rinky dink motel where the carpet was wet and the water was brown with "minerals". Managers and others got to stay at better hotels in the same area, more swanky but really? we were all in the middle of no where and swanky still sucked. Alcohol was their friend. I was 23 and was working with seasoned veterans of the refinery lifestyle. I participated in the banter but never participated in the liquor. It was for 2 reasons: one; I was 23 and the next in line had to have been in the mid-thirties. I was fresh meat to a lot of people. I wasn't going to risk that for nothin'! and two; I didn't want to drink with my co-workers because it was my first assignment and I was recommended by management and I had no experience and I didn't want to ruin my image or fail my assignment. Anyway, I was 23 so I wasn't old enough to drive a company vehicle, so I carpooled with some procurement people. One night, Bettie (a lady I carpooled with) and my managers got really wasted. Finished a bottle of Patron and plenty bloody mary's (first time i learned about clamato juice. gross.) Bettie and I lived on the other side of the main road, so we walked back to the hotels. I walked her to her hotel and she had mentioned during the walk that she had a heart condition and that she probably shouldn't have drank that much. She was pretty messed up. We said goodnight and I went back to my motel. The next morning, like every morning, I would go to her hotel for their continental breakfast and meet up for the carpool. She wasn't downstairs. I had a bad feeling because of what she had said at night, so I went to the front desk and asked if they saw Bettie come down. They didn't. They called her room; no answer. I asked if they could break policy and let me know what room she stayed at so I can knock and wake her up in case she was still sleeping. I went up to her room, saw a light on but no one was answering. The guy driving the van had told me to hurry up so we can go. I told him I was looking for Bettie but she's not responding. I call her cell and the work issued cell and nothing. He said, "she's a big girl; she can take care of herself" but in my mind, accidents happen and we are each other's family out there. As we were walking towards the van, I asked him if he would circle the parking lot so I can see if her SUV was there. If it wasn't, she probably went somewhere. If it was, then she was probably in trouble. It would only take 20 extra seconds to circle around but he wouldn't. He started yelling at me and said that he wouldn't do it because she's fine and that she's a big girl and that a kid like me shouldn't be worrying about and adult who can take care of herself. He told me to get in the van and I did. I started crying uncontrollably and the other lady in the van didn't know why and I was silent and sobbing in the back seat. The driver was still irritated by me and he proceeded to tell Debbie the scenario. I only cried more. Debbie's phone rang and it was Bettie and she had been at McDonald's and was already at work. Debbie assured me it was okay and I nodded and kept crying. I felt like a failure to myself for staying in that van and not getting out and walking the parking lot. I felt horrible that a man that says he was that faithful to God would turn his back on a co-worker. I felt sickened that I sat there instead of following what my heart was telling me, which was to stay. The guy was immediately fired after my manager pulled me aside and forced me to tell him what had happened. I stayed silent for 2 hours. I wouldn't say what happened. I couldn't blame the guy because it was my fault for getting in the van. But I finally broke down and sobbed out the story. I was so angry at myself. I was angry at the driver. When walking to the van, I had blamed him. It wasn't like I wanted him to drive 5 minutes out of the way. I just wanted him to circle around the hotel and then exit. When I got in, I started bawling because I realized what I had done. I was no better than him. Even though I cared, I sat back and took it. I took pride in the fact that I always do what I believe to be right. I always showed sympathy and compassion for everyone. But at that moment, I didn't. I let peer pressure take over. I settled and I did not like it. We go through life picking and choosing our path. When the path looks wrong, we turn around and find another way. We are always looking for something better. Better job, better boyfriend, better body. But do you continue searching for perfect or will you settle for 90%? how about at 93%? maybe 98% and I'll quit. I have a friend and she says as long as she gets 5th place and a trophy, she'll be satisfied. But I think she'll then want the cash that 3rd place gets. And then the recognition that 1st and 2nd gets. Another is always looking for Mr. Right. There was a story I read once about a girl who was shopping for the perfect man at a 7-story building. The first level had lots of guys, all about 20% of what she was looking for. She had the option of moving to the next floor or picking someone from that floor. At every floor she was always looking for something better, but each floor, there were less and less guys. She reached the 6th floor and she found a guy: almost close to perfect, but she looks at the escalator to the 7th floor and she wonders if she should take the chance with going up or should she settle with the almost close to perfect guy. She ended up going to the 7th floor where there was only a sign that said, no one is perfect and she walked away with no one. In Chinese there is a saying, if you are given 1,000 great choices but make 10,000 decisions on which to pick, you will end up picking a broken light bulb. If your manager is unethical, do you quit or just turn a blind eye? I am very vocal and have called out many managers on their behaviors and have asked them to justify their reasons. If I believe there is a negative ulterior motive, I will not help. If I am asked to "skew" data, I won't. If I am asked to fix something without letting anyone know, I might if they learn their lesson and never make the mistake again. If they constantly use me as a backup, I'll rat them out. I do what I believe in and I don't settle for anything less. =) (Comment on this)
Monday, March 14th, 2011
4:32 pm	6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? If only I could live on happiness alone. I would cook. Baking and cooking makes me happy, especially when it comes out right. In December, I bake every day for work. It's always something different, but always something good. My new favorite dessert is the Irish Carbomb Cupcake and the sweet potato meringue pie. Throughout the year, I cook and bake but usually when I am down and depressed. I have the usual tasters come over to the house and eat everything, from steaks to beef noodle soups to a whole carrot cake. I have them eat and I sit and digress. Last year, I did a pre-Thanksgiving thanks giving with some of my friends. The came over and were the tasters for what I was going to make thanksgiving. Results: I didn't make the beans. I did make the bread. Turkey and mash for left overs for a week! Its fun looking at old family photos and see that most of them were taken at the dinner table. Even on my Facebook, I have tons of food pictures. Growing up, we always ate as a family and I think that's why I hardly ever go out to eat if I am alone. I think it's also why I love food time. It's the happy time when we sit around and gossip and talk and debate. It's only a few hours in a day, but it's one of the happiest moments I will remember. (Comment on this)